Women of Wal-Mart

News of the Day:

Did you know that there is a porn mag called Women of Wal-Mart featuring, obviously, ACTUAL female Wal-Mart employees? Oh, it's true. So, i'm not up on the whole porn scene, but i'm pretty sure that i have never in my 20 years seen a Wal-Mart employee that would look halfway decent naked. Come to think of it, there aren't many that look halfway decent with clothes on.

But i bet this magazine will have a huge fan base in Redding (my hometown, for those who don't know...in terms of white trash, think Norwalk times 10) anyway, at any given time, but especially on the 1st and the 15th when welfare checks arrive, half the town of Redding is packed into our tiny Wal-Mart, and most of them are in the drug aisle buying herpes treatment and abusing their abundant children. Pretty much the only aisle that's empty is the one that sells shampoo and deodorant.

But anyway, i'm not sure if i feel good about the porn industry creating a fanbase especially for these people, because A) they probably can't afford to buy it, and it will end up sitting on the shelves in gas stations where I will have to look at it every time i fill up, and B) Most white trash men are already married to their own Woman of Wal-Mart, and don't need to buy a porn mag to see naked nastiness. I'm just waiting for Big Bertha who works the gun counter to decide she wants equal rights and lobby for Men of Wal-Mart. And if that happens, I'm leaving the country.

Softball or Who Sucks and How

I am taking softball this month for 1 credit.


Now, that you've stopped laughing, let me tell you a little more about our class. We have 12 students which means there are 6 on each team (teams are determined at random by the coach at the start of every class and named according to the logo on someone's shirt). That is three under the required about for fielding so the team up to bat has to donate some of their members to the opposition.

This means that the person playing first base is actually on the team up to bat. Ethical issue? I think so.

I am, by far, the worst person in the class. I can hit alright and I can ever throw a little bit but I cannot catch for the life of me. And I can't run very fast either. I'm going to choose to blame the catching thing on my ambidexiotry (random movie quote: "I'm not an ambi-turner...I can't turn left") and thank God I can at least turn left.

Now, at first, with me sucking and all, it was dissapointing to have me on your team. However, my class has now figured out that I am the "Secret Weapon." As the secret weapon, I play first base when my team is up to bat. See, its not an ethical issue for me because I can't catch the ball and I am suddenly the most valuable player.

Is there a lesson in this? I think so.

What was that thing Jesus said about the first being last?

I've never been MVP before. :D

So, maybe I heart Starbucks

Since I last posted (a post, consequently, about Starbucks) I have visited Starbucks no less than 5 times. This may have something to do with the immense amount of pages I am trying to get through and the fact that if I am anywhere near anything else I own (namely this computer or People magazine) I do not read. I also have a new portable CD player which my mom got me for Christmas ("you can listen to your chapel make-ups while you work out!!") and I am finally one of those people with headphones on. I feel so urban. Urban-chic, really, with my pointy shoes (another Christmas gift).

Anyway, last night when I was dining at Starbucks on Vanilla Caramels, I decided that I wanted a Starbucks wedding. Let me paint you a little picture: open Starbucks bar, buffets of muffins, crosaints, and biscottis and more buffets of their beautiful desserts, Blackout Cake, Opera Cake, the list goes on. A Chantico fountain. And then, as I so eloquently described last night, Vanilla Caramels on all the tables with pictures of me instead of labels. And by me, I mean me and the wonderful man who loves me enough to throw me this party.

Unfortunately, Starbucks does not list catering as a business opportunity on their Web site. I'll have to call in a favor.

have you hugged a uterus today?

Forget being knit together in your mother's womb, a uterus can now be made in your living room.

MK Carroll, a knitting (and apparently anatomy) enthusiast now offers an online knitting pattern for all those who desire a uterus doll made out of yarn to cuddle with. Complete with a cervix and fallopian tubes, all you need for this knitting project is yarn, a needle, and probably a severely damaged brain. Mattel better watch out, these babies are going to be outselling Barbie any day now. Up next for Carroll: crocheted prostate glands?


The link thingy isnt working, so you'll have to copy and paste to see pictures. sorry.

http://www.knitty.com/ISSUEwinter04/PATTwomb.html

Call me Chantico

Chantico is the Aztec goddess of the home and hearth. She symbolizes the combination of pleasure and pain, according to a reliable Aztec mythology Web site.

Chantico is also the name of the new Starbucks "drinkable dessert." Debuting today, this 6 oz. steamin' beverage carries only 390 calories. Thats 65 calories per ounce. 8 oz. of orange juice is about 110 calories or about 14 calories per ounce.

The drink is also 4 times the government-determined appropriate serving size for candy (1.4 oz. according to the Hershey Web site).

"This should be a very occasional treat — like maybe on your 100th birthday," Neal Barnard, author of Breaking the Food Seduction, told USAToday. "It has more fat than most candy bars."

This drink is apparently targeted to chocoholics and is also intended to boost sales during the midday and after-dinner lulls. You see, $5 billion in coffee sales last year was not enough money for Mr. Bucks. He can't leave us alone, can he? First its his "tall mochas." Then he's dragging us with the likes of peppermint syrup. Now this?

What I want to know is why this is suddenly the "drinkable dessert"? Lets talk about Frappacinos. Or their whipped cream.

What this really comes down to, I think, is that I love Starbucks. I love their whipped cream and their mellow atmosphere and their wiley ways of convincing me that spending $3.15 on 500 calories of fat and caffeine is totally worthwhile.

I suppose I could just stop going or just avoid Chantico but I think I love the combination of pleasure and pain.